And so finally my first personal blog entry and the truth about G!
Well it goes ...
It all happened so fast that I did not even have time to think about it ... not even the security of a familiar ward to let the thoughts sink in ...
So after about 13 operations, 3 Chemo regimes, 1 conventional radiation regime and 2 focalised Novlis radiation regime, I had a fever that took me to the EMERGENCY yet again. But there was no room at the inn ... no hospital beds available, that is, and so we waited ... several hours and by the time I was admitted, it was night at the HEART ward. I am a NEURO case.
All this was in May, you understand.
So, the tumors, still small and lingering in the LUNGS - a small concern!
The brat that is causing all the problems - TUMOR resting and clinging to the nerves in the SPINE L3/4/5. It is growing.
It is so cliched to say that it was a cold day in May, when Dr. John Thomas and his team came to give me the news.
NOTHING CAN BE DONE!
No more OPERATIONS!
No more CHEMO REGIMES!
No more RADIATION!
NOTHING!
That word rang in the wilderness of my mind!
So what now? How long? What happens? So many questions ...
The doctors do not know! Two months? Two years? Five years?
So I wait ...
They say that I may not even be able to sit up one day ... anymore ... when ...
The Pain Management Team are nice!
The Doctor and nurse, Chai from HCA are nice too!
I was in pain.
I was on oral morphine and pain killers.
They wheeled me around College in the College Wheelchair ... very uncomfortable!
I was struggling to walk with the tripod and then the frame ... pretending at normalcy?
Then it happened overnight!
My legs gave way ... I can whiggle my toes and kick out my legs but that was it. I could not walk!
The tumor pressing on the nerves ...
What else is going to happen?
My sister was planning a holiday in June to Melbourne.
John Thomas said, OK! He gave letters for the travel.
The PAIN MANAGEMENT TEAM said, OK and gave me letters for the travel!
The Hospice said, OK, put me on a MORPHINE patch and gave me letters for the travel! MORPHINE is a control drug! I can get arrested without the letters!
I am a BURDEN now!
I cannot walk!
We bought a wheelchair for a thousand dollars - comfortable - latest state of the art - not motorised though because I can still use my hands - do not get lazy ...
How can I go on a holiday when I cannot walk, I cannot even bathe myself or take myself to the toilet ...
I am a BURDEN!
I have lost my INDEPENDENCE!
I have TRUST issues!
Then two of my ex-students who have become friends came to the picture!
They want to go to Melbourne too!
My brother in law, Martin and Richard, ex-srjcian, carried me in and out of the car and in and out of the wheel chair etc. OK!
My sister and my student, Cheryl, ex-srjcian, bathed me and changed me, put me in adult diapers in case of accidents ...
Who would have thought that the seventeen year old girl that I taught ten years ago, will do this service of love today! One of my angels! My god-child!
Ms Tammy Thiang, my "daughter" and Ms Melissa Chew are the other two angels in College - they take me to the toilet in College! What labour of LOVE! God Bless them!
MELBOURNE has changed me!
I was ready to throw in the towel but after the trip, I am different inside!
Dr John Thomas has put me on STEROIDS!
It has reduced the swelling somewhere inside!
But the water retention has made me look bloated! I feel like a pig with an orange in my mouth!
Although I am on the MORPHINE patch, I used to take oral Morphine and other medication!
But now, I stopped the supplementaries!
I have almost ZERO Pain score!
ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS!
It is euphoria!
I do not know how long this is going to last!
I wake up every day HAPPY!
I go to sleep every day HAPPY!
My sister does not want me to use that word, BURDEN!
So I have trust issues ... I am learning to trust people to carry me in and out of the car.
Another three, four, five ... angels, God sent-
Mr. KOK WAI TONG - he takes me to College every morning - carrying me in and out of the car ... he is approaching sixty! What a man!
Mr. GOH TONG WEE - he carries me out of the car and wheels me to my desk every morning. Some times, he takes me home!
Mr SAMUEL TSUI takes me home sometimes. He has to carry me into the taxi and out of it again and then take himself home.
Mr. EDSON NG, another ex-srjcian, has joined the angel troop ...
I am grateful ...
I have found a taxi service that carries me in the wheelchair. There are only twenty of them around and it costs about twenty five dollars between SRJC and home at Fernvale.
There are ways to stay positive.
Sylvia Plath got it wrong ... She said, "Dying / is an art, like everything else. / I do it exceptionally well."
No, It is Living ...
Living is an art that like everything else ... we should strive to do it exceptionally well!
Plath took the easy way out! Living is more difficult!
So why am I saying all this to you?
Lets get all this morbidity out of the way!
So I am a cancer patient and I am in hospice care. Get over it!
I am living!
So you do too!
Live!
And while you live ... live your life right and spare a thought for others ...
The G- Thing!
